We'll see our baby again

I really posted this just for my own personal memories, so if you are sensitive or emotional, please don't read.


I had all the symptoms. It started with constipation. I was really stuffy. Headaches. A little bit nauseous.

I took a test as E watched me. I didn't want him to, he just did. I walked away and didn't go back for a while because I really didn't think I could be.

When I went back... two lines... clear as day, looking me in the face. What a shocker! I was happy, scared, and worried about what Nate would say.

When Nate got home, he was actually happy.

Like I'm sure every couple does, we made plans and we got excited. We told everyone.

Our first ultrasound was at the hospital. The expressionless ultrasound technician did the scan and everything looked fine. Then we sat down with the doctor who also said everything was fine. We just debated whether or not I should be doing the Lovenox injections.

The next day I called my ob's office and she said something about a sub-chorionic bleed. Of course I got nervous but she said it is common and everything could be fine. The next day I started spotting. It was just a little bit so I wasn't too overly afraid. The next two weeks were kind of a blur. I continued to spot off and on and I started to think things might not be good. I had another ultrasound at my ob's office, and she said things were fine.

Then on Saturday January 30th, I had another ultrasound at the hospital. The lady was wonderful and the scan was wonderful. To see that amazing little heartbeat. So strong, so reassuring, so beautiful. The look on Nate's face was unforgettable. He looked so relieved. At that point, I thought things were going to be fine. We left the hospital so happy. We went to get Ice Cream & took some back to Nate's mom & dad & Ethan.

Paige, Bailey & Jill were there. Jill made the comment that this baby should be named David like David & Goliath because of all he has been through so far.

Things were great. A moment in my life I'll never forget.

Monday I woke up spotting again. This time a little more and a little more red. I was scared again. I went to work but came home a couple of hours later.

The next day, I was nauseous as can be and ended up getting the flu that afternoon. I was miserable. I felt horrible and almost went to the hospital for IV treatment. I also started spotting more that night. Again... a little heavier and a little more red.

I didn't have a good feeling.

The next day I gathered up all of my energy to go to the hospital for another scheduled ultrasound.
In the waiting room, I prayed for a nice ultrasound technician.

When we got in the room before I even laid back, I cried hard. I knew what we were about to go through.

She started scanning me and first checked my ovaries and uterus. The longest minutes ever. I'll never forget, seeing the baby on the screen. We could just tell that the baby had passed. He looked so lifeless, so still. Then when she went to check for a heartbeat... just a straight line. Not like the previous scans where you see the lines & hear the loud thumping sound. I wanted to lay there forever and just look at my baby. I knew that this would be the last time I would see our baby on this earth.

For anyone that hasn't experienced a miscarriage before, I can tell you it is one of the hardest things to go through. Everyone will tell you that there was probably something wrong with the baby and its God's way of taking care of things. Yes, I know. This is true. But it's not what we wanted. We wanted to see our baby, hold our baby, love our baby. Why does God allow you to conceive in the first place if there is something wrong?

The first couple of days I felt o.k. and strong. Then I started to get more depressed. I couldn't really eat. I did eat, but nothing sounded or tasted good.

The first day I went back to work I went to get a coffee. It took me a while to take a drink. I wasn't supposed to be drinking coffee. Caffeine is not good for the baby. Wow that was hard. I cried and cried in my car. Then I prayed and I felt better. The song on the radio was saying. "There's a raging sea, right in front of me, wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if you want them to. I will follow you. I will follow you.

My first miscarriage brought me closer to God and this one has too.

I also heard an amazing song that coincidentally my mom, sister, nieces, Ethan and I walked in a horrible storm to listen to at Alive. I listened closely to the words and was amazed how it related to my situation. Greater things have yet to come and greater things have yet to be done in the city.

I thought about our baby and how much we would have loved this precious child. But God has bigger plans and we will have another child and things will be o.k.